A few days later I started my morning exercise. The last few days haven't been fun.

I had killed three people.

Yikes.

I had been hiding in my room over the last few days. Only really seeing Hiromi as she had come to pick up her bike's shard.

She had been irritable, the blow to her head thankfully hadn’t done anything permanent but it still hurt according to her. She had hung out with me on the couch for a few hours before bailing to pick up her bike.

Ichi and Malcolm had both sent me a text to ask how I was.

Nothing from Omaeda, but that was fine he didn't strike me as the chatty type.

But yeah. I had killed three people. And not only was I given a certain amount of respect by the Tyger Claws as the story spread.

I also gained a benefit in my system from it.

People were XP bags… That was probably a bad way to phrase it.

Turns out that I had an actual level system for myself as well. I hadn’t noticed because I had never gained a single XP towards leveling until then.

Now I had. With three murders.

*500 XP Gained.**500 XP Gained.**750 XP Gained.*

I had leveled out of it.

*Level up achieved!*

*One Stat Point Gained.*

*One Skill Point Gained.*

I had points I could just put into one of my stats, and skills apparently. So for the small price of cold blooded… Or Cold Blood murder. I had things I could upgrade.

That and I had also gained another skill under the Cool stat. Which might explain a little why I had been so… Floaty when it was all over.

Cold Blood 1. I had gained it for murdering three people.

This could be a problem.

I might have fallen into a grinding addiction there… And that could really lead to some fucked up shit if I wasn’t careful.

I really liked grinding after all. Numbers make Motoko brain go brrr.

I grunted as I continued my pushup routine. I still hadn’t used the points. It felt… wrong. Like a drug. Tempting and addicting, but dangerous.

I sighed. I had been way too far into my own head since that day. What a mess.

At least I got loot out of it. Two SMG’s and a revolver… Well I refused to keep that stupid crap so I sold that off for a nice chunk of eddies.

I had actual money now. Especially after Ichi had given me my cut. That on top of the shards I had klepped from Gonzales and his boys I had a nice little nestegg. It wasn’t buy a car level, but I had enough that I could go clothes shopping or something.

I had not gone clothes shopping. I hadn’t left the apartment since then in fact. Hadn’t even gone out on a jog.

The outside was the outside, and dangerous and full of murder. The inside was quiet, and safe. And not full of murder.

See simple.

“Motoko.” Jun called out a few hours later as he slipped out of the room, a bit of bed head still causing his swoopy hairstyle to stand on end. “Get dressed. We are going to get some noodles for lunch.” He told me and then walked past me to go to the bathroom as if he hadn’t just told me to go outside.

I can’t go outside! Murder is out there!

“J-Jun-Nii! How about you go get some noodles to go! Won’t it be nice to eat inside! Yeah like last time. Much better idea.” I called out, following after him a bit and pacing in the kitchen. A moment later the sink was running as Jun was cleaning himself up.

After that he stepped out of the bathroom looking more put together.

“No. You refuse to leave the apartment on your own.” He says gruffly, but he was obviously fighting back against his instinct to simply snap at me, instead he walks up and puts his hands on my arms.

“Jun?”

“You are a strong person Motoko. Don’t let your fear control you. I don’t know if forcing you is the right thing, but it’s the only thing I can think of. So let's go.” He tells me bluntly and as he turns towards the door to collect his shoes.

I sort of panicked. How do I react to that!?

But eventually Jun-Nii sort of came over and guided me to my shoes where I put them on, and then despite dragging my feet Jun-Nii pushed me over the apartment's doorway.

I was on the outside. With all the murder.

I swallowed a little but Jun-Nii’s arm was over my shoulder as he guided me to the elevator and then we were on the bottom floor.

And I was walked out onto the street. It was loud, and alive and people were all over, and there was a street vendor right there that wasn’t selling those fucking burritos Jun-Nii loved so much.

I swear a few days of nothing but Jun brought burritos…

“Okay let’s get some noodles.” I grumbled right along my tummy rumbling and Jun I could see was smiling as we walked to Cherry Blossom Market and settled into the noodle shop.

And damn if that Ramen wasn’t some pretty great shit. It wasn’t the best I ever had, but it was pretty damn good.

I guess the outside had Murder… And Ramen… This would need some further examination. I decided as I slurped my noodles.

—--

“Hey hey! I heard you finally went outside again.” Hiromi called as she walked into the apartment without knocking startling the fuck out of me as I sqwuaked and fell from my crunches on the floor.

“Hiromi! Ever heard of knocking?” I grumble.

“Nope! You feeling better?” She asked as she instantly joined me on the floor sitting cross legged.

“I guess?” I said laying back on the floor. “I guess… I wasn’t really expecting to flatline three gonks.”

“Neither was I! Okay you are feeling good enough to talk about so I’m gonna fuckin’ gush a bit. Holy shit Motoko! You were awesome before and everything, but Ichi told me exactly what happened and it was so PREEM!” She cried out throwing her arms up in the air. “That was total Edgerunner shit!”

“It was… Luck. Really. I don’t even know how close they came to shooting me back, but I think it was pretty close. I was just freaking out so bad I didn’t really notice at the time.” I told her. They had both opened fire. I was just lucky that plugging them a few times had thrown off their aim.

“Pssht that's not the point. That was so cool! No listen I can see you startin to frown so let me just say. Thanks. You got them back for tryin to flatline me. So even if you are different and everything. Thanks Choom.” She says and actually lays down beside me a bit to throw an arm over me in a hug.

“You're welcome… Them hitting you really freaked me out.”

“Yeah I know! You flatlined three guys!” Hiromi laughed. “Ah man, I’m sooo mad I missed it. Ichi’s storytelling is the worst.” She laughs and I chuckle along with her as she starts complaining. I felt a bit of the anxiety dissipate. I guess…

I would probably do it again. To get revenge for hitting Hiromi. For trying to kill Ichi. I guess I would murder again.

I would have to think about that later. Right now Hiromi wanted to complain about how long it took to get her bike back after everything. She had to take the train, and she wasn’t happy.

“Oh. Umm also my parents… They want to thank you for what you did. They weren’t happy that I got hurt, but you know I had to explain everything. So they want to see you again…”

“Okay?”

Hiromi winced, looking a little guilty. “Right, you don’t remember. Listen, my parents are… They are corpos. Like high up in Arasaka. You don’t remember, but they didn’t really approve of you before all this. Since you sorta dragged me into the Tyger Claws. Last time you met them it didn’t go well, and they… They are total gonks. But they made me promise to invite you over.”

I looked over at Hiromi in surprise. She didn’t look like a rich kid. Well other than the motorcycle… And the constantly changing expensive outfits. Even if they were gangster looking… Oh I guess she was probably a rich kid huh.

“Okay. I’ll come if you want.”

“I… Well I guess I do? My parents know you are different and stuff now so I kinda want to see how they handle the new you.”

“I’ll come then.”

“Great! Come on! Let’s get you cleaned up and dressed!” She jumped to her feet and pulled me up as I let her drag me to my room to sort out my clothes to pick what to wear.

I vetoed everything she chose and picked a more simple style with as little Tyger Claw insignia as possible.

Although I still put my fuckin gun on my back… Even if it made my hand shake to touch it.

—--

We drove over the bridge to the other half of Japantown and Hiromi pulled into a secure underground garage leading me up to an elevator that she had to give an access code to open.

“The area is a little messy, but this building is used by a lot of corpo families. They keep it secure or whatever.” She told me with a shrug as the elevator hummed along.

“It’s nice.” I told her, because it was. The elevator was clean and didn’t smell like mine did.

“It’s horrible.” She muttered, but I bumped her shoulder this time and that perked her up a little. The door opened to a nice hallway with two apartments on each side of the floor. Hiromi grumbled as she walked up and the door slid open. Leading into a high end apartment. It wasn’t quite at the point of having multiple floors, but it was a pretty big apartment for a small family.

“This is home.” She told me and I nodded, noticing the coat rack by the door. I pulled off my Tyger Claw coat and hung it up only to turn and see Hiromi giving me a look.

“What?”

“You are such a gonk.” She told me with a grin. I just shrugged and took off my shoes like she did. It was a Japanese style entrance way.

I followed her deeper into the apartment noticing that everything was spotlessly clean except I noticed areas Hiromi had obviously spent time in. A mess of what looked like Hiromi’s breakfast lay out still on the living room table where she had eaten, probably watching TV since there was a floor to ceiling TV set there.

“Oh? You actually brought your… friend. Hiromi.” A woman's voice spoke from behind me and I turned to see a well dressed corpo woman step out of what had to be an office with how it was setup. Honestly considering Hiromi’s normal looks they didn’t really look much alike.

“Course I did. Motoko is my choom.” I could see Hiromi’s mothers face twitch at the word. I guess she wasn’t a fan of slang.

Good to know.

“It’s nice to meet you… Or re-meet you I guess.” I offered a small bow as I said that. What I had said or how maybe startled the woman because she refocused on me with an odd look.

“You said your friend had amnesia, but I don’t think I really believed it.”

“It’s gonk right? She is totally different, but still Motoko.” Hiromi chuckled, throwing an arm over my shoulder.

“Is that so?” The woman asked, looking me over top to bottom. “While I still don’t approve of Hiromi’s choice in friends, nor where it took her, especially now since she got hurt. I can at least approve of her friends defending her. I heard you killed the men that harmed her?”

“Yeah something like that.” I muttered but the woman simply nodded.

“Good. Someone that will kill to protect my daughter is someone I can approve of, at least mildly.” She uttered with an almost thoughtless casualness.

Right, I forgot. Corpo people are fuckin insane assholes. Why did I agree to come here?

“Hiromi, take your friend to your room, dinner will be here soon, your father isn’t going to make it.” She said simply before turning around and reentering her office without a further look.

“Wow.”

“Tell me about it.” Hiromi grumbled. “C’mon I guess I do want to show you my room, just not because my Mom said I had to.” She grumbled her obvious rebellion fighting against already wanting to do just that.

So I followed her into her room and looked around a smile twitching at my lips.

“It’s very you.”

“Oh shut up.” She grumbled at me as I took in every inch of her room covered in Japanese decorations and Tyger Claw paraphernalia.

“I think you have more Tyger Claw stuff than I do.” I mentioned which ended with Hiromi throwing a pillow at me to shut me up. I caught it and noticed it was a embroidered with a Tiger. Which I showed her and quirked an eyebrow.

Her face was getting pretty red so I stopped teasing. “It’s nice.” I told her with a smile as I started poking around a bit.

“It’s expensive. Not nice. I hate it, but I have to spend my parents' money on something.” She admitted as she fell back onto her bed.

“I’m kinda surprised. Old Motoko used to give me so much shit for being a rich girl. But you don’t seem to care.”

“I don’t. It’s not your fault for being rich, anymore than it’s mine for being poor… At least I don’t think it’s my fault. I hope not anyway.”

“Pfft. Nah you did a good job doing street kid stuff to bring in extra eddies. Between you and Jun working with the Claws, you both were pretty comfortable.” She tells me and I shrug. I doubt she knew the whole story, but I hoped it was accurate… I hoped my whole issue hadn’t put a huge strain on Jun.

Dammit.

“C’mon I want to trash you on some games.”

“Okay.” I smiled as she revealed she had some future tech game system.

—--

Dinner was very very awkward.

“Where do you go to school now Motoko?” Hiromi’s mother asked as we all sat around a kitchen table and ate some delivery meal that was pretty fancy.

“I haven’t gone to school since I got out of the hospital. So I’m not sure? Honestly I just finished my physical therapy to get myself moving again a week or so ago, so I’m still recovering.”

“Hmph. Well at least you have an excuse for not going to school. Unlike my Hiromi.”

“Arasaka academy is for losers.” Hiromi muttered and although I could tell her mother heard her, she didn’t bring it up.

Awkward. Hiromi’s mother was so straight-laced and yet she had this weird sense of disconnect. Like murder arson and jaywalking were so normal and expected it wasn’t seen as a crime but just how the world works.

“Well you saved my daughter from her own… youthful exuberances.” The woman said as the dinner was finishing up. “Despite dragging her into this life before, I can admit to some ease of my worry that she apparently made a connection to someone that will assist her when she needs it. She will need someone like you when she joins Arasaka.”

And a moment later five grand in eddies was transmitted to my account. I blinked.

Hiromi looked confused, and her mother simply finished popping in the last of her weird stir fry dish. Before nodding. “Hiromi, ensure your friend is sent on her way. Have a good night.” She offered as she rose and left the room.

“Your mom just gave me 5 grand.” I told Hiromi once the woman was gone.

“Ugh! That bitch.” Hiromi growled before shaking it off. “Whatever, enjoy it. We can go shopping or something… She always does this, tries to buy off my friends.”

“That’s kinda fucked up.” I say with a shrug. “Whatever I guess. Parents can be massive gonks.” I tell her earning a smile before she stands up.

“C’mon we can finally get out of here.”

“Sure.”

We ended up driving around the city for a while. Hiromi showing me a few spots that we had hung out, or done stuff before the scavs.

It was nice.

—-

I sat on the couch. Staring at my guns.

Jun had said we were going to the gun range again today. Apparently he had gotten a message from grizzled gun range guy.

I didn’t know.

I stared at my pistol. No problem. I pick up the pistol. My hands start shaking.

Fuck.

I put it down with a sigh. I was still having some issues from cold blooded murder. Who would have thunk?

I glared at the gun. It wasn’t its fault. It was mine. I had chosen to act. To do. To protect and for revenge. I had acted, and now I had to live with the consequences.

I reached out again. Grabbed the gun and held it, ignoring how my hand shook. How I felt… Fear.

“This world isn’t safe.” I reminded myself. Human life is seen as worth less than nothing to a lot of people. To the big corporations. I took a deep breath. I had to get over this. I needed to get over this.

I had to be able to defend myself. No leeway. I had to.

So I took a breath and held the pistol. Let the feel of it in my hand flow through me.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer.” I muttered the start to an old quote. A good one though. I quoted it as much as I could remember. Letting the fear flow through me, filling myself with acceptance.

“Only I will remain.”

“What?” Jun asked startling me as I yelped and opened my eyes.

“Nothing, just talking to myself. I’m… trying to get over the shakes.”

Jun frowned, noticing my hand still a little shaky as I held the gun. I could see a trail of emotions run over his face, but it was obvious he didn’t know what to say. It’s not like he could just tell me not to pick up a gun again.

This wasn’t that sort of city, and we weren’t rich enough for that.

“C’mon. Let’s go.” He eventually landed on, and I nodded. Holstering the pistol and following him out of the apartment.

One step at a time.

—--

To my surprise Jun had actually brought along the SMG’s I had collected. Held them in a backpack and so when we entered the range he actually guided me into the backroom with Grizzled gun range guy and popped them onto the table.

“Picked these up on a job. Any issues with them?” He asked in the small soundproof workroom I had been guided into. The same man was sitting behind a little workbench desk with a disassembled assault rifle on the table in front of him.

“Saratoga? Not bad guns. No Smart system, or anything, I’ll clean em up and take a look. Put them over there.” he ordered and Jun did just that. And then we headed out to the range.

We had a lane again and then… Well I had to shoot. I didn’t put it off. I just grabbed my gun and started. I quick drawed like normal and aimed… and the trigger just wouldn’t pull.

I sighed. This was so stupid. I took a deep breath, let it out and aimed, and this time the trigger went off.

But I flinched. Badly. Stupidly. My bullet didn’t even hit the target.

Hands were shaking too much.

Jun started firing and I jerked for a moment before relaxing. I was being so stupid. Cool. Motoko. Be cool. I took a deep breath and released it. Grabbing the gun and despite the shakes, I fired a few rounds. A few hit the target, but it was more luck than anything.

Damn.

I ran a magazine through the gun, reloaded, and shot another, but I wasn’t even getting XP for this. My Handgun skill was already maxed until I leveled Reflex again. And I certainly wasn’t doing a good enough job here to earn any XP that way.

I sighed as I pulled out my second spent mag and started filling it back up. I would just have to push through it.

Third magazine was… better. Not really but I technically hit more, so there you go.

“Girl!” I didn’t quite jump but I certainly jerked, glad the magazine was empty. Grizzled guy was there, with one of the SMGs. No, the Saratoga SMG, held in a hand. “Come with me.”

He demanded turning, expecting me to follow. I looked at Jun who shrugged but also holstered his pistol to follow after.

Back inside the workshop room the man had put the gun back down.

“The Saratoga’s are fine. Make sure you clean them after use.” He reminded us before turning to look at me.

“You killed.”

That was blunt.

I nodded slowly. He nods. “You’re struggling with it.”

“... I guess.” I offered, not sure how to respond.

“Everyone struggles at first. Would you do it again? Same circumstances?” He asked and I had to nod at that. I would. I would absolutely shoot both of those fuckers, again. And Gonzales too, even if he had just been trying to fight for his life.

“Alright.” He said simply, before pulling out a shard from a box on his desk. “Take this. I find it tends to help.” He offers me the shard and I slot it in.

“The Solo’s Manual?”

“Blackhand knows what he is talking about. Check out chapter four.” The old man offers simply before handing Jun the first Saratoga. “Take it out there and put some rounds through it.” He orders us both and shoos us out of the workshop.

We both turn to each other and shrug a little. I head out to the alley, and decide fuck it why not. As I take the Saratoga from Jun and start grinding assault. Ignoring how my hands shake, I glanced through the book.

Chapter Four. It was literally about deciding on why you kill. Not just killing for money or respect, but the actual reason you will be willing to take a human life.

Despite myself I was pretty engaged.

*Assault skill level up!*

*1 Perk Point Gained.*

I blinked away the Manual, I was on chapter five now, reading through about setting up Gigs, what you should expect, and what you should run away from.

I took a deep breath and took a moment to look through the Assault perks. Just like Handguns most of them were about using a rifle, or SMG better. Fast reload. Bullet counting. Which I considered because that would be useful for Handguns as well, to always know how many bullets you had in a mag. But that was also something that some cyberware could take of.

But in the end there was only one choice that I kept coming back to.

Gun Nut. It didn't sound like much but reading the description. ‘Pick up any gun and know its quirks and difficultes.’ Sounded pretty good. Weapons in Night City could be very common, to monsters of modded parts and pieces.

Knowing instantly when I pick up a gun how to safe, or unsafe, and fire it could save my life.

So I picked it. Shivering a bit as the knowledge just was there. I grabbed the Saratoga and knew that it was a solid weapon, although it did have an overheating problem. If someone fired more than a hundred rounds through it, the upper receiver could warp, and cause a small jam, but that it could be cleared with a quick re-racking.

I blinked. Neat.

—-

Jun and I practiced for a while longer before heading home. My hands were still shaking a bit by the end.

But not as much. Grizzled gun range guy had been right. Morgan's Manual had helped. It made me consider what would push me to kill. No more like it had made me start making some rules.

And with rules came control.

I wasn’t just some crazy Cyberpsycho killing anyone around them. I was a… Solo. A Merc. I killed when I had to, and yeah it came with some advantages. It did for everyone too. A street kid murdering some gonk and stealing his eddies probably felt pretty good too.

I just also had to worry about the XP addiction. So I had rules. I didn’t go out and just murder people for funzies. No. I if I killed someone it would be for a reason. Because I took a job to do it. Because they were threatening me or mine. Or because They were evil vile fuckin scavs.

Scavs were always on the list.

So that night after Jun had left for his Tyger Claw stuff. I stared at the pistol on the table. A pistol I had killed two men with, a pistol that I had used to save the life of a friend.

I picked it up, popped the mag cleared the chamber, spun it on my finger because fuck you I could, and then aimed it out the window.

“Bang.”

My hand slowly stopped shaking. I could do this. I could live in this city.