Hatake Kakashi spent exactly fifteen seconds deciding what to do after Orochitama left the tent; practically an eternity for him, but the situation was delicate. Ultimately, he came to the conclusion that the most pressing concern was handling whoever was causing the sand storm outside. Finding the culprit wasn't difficult, considering he knew exactly who was doing it.

"Gaara-san. I think it would be best if you stopped that." Kakashi announced lightly, causing the boy to jerk around to look at him. Meaning he snuck up on him. Kakashi mentally noted that he couldn't use the sand to sense people in a wide range.

"If I stop, the Sound Ninja will be able to coordinate better. Me continuing would be in Konoha's best interest." Gaara intoned in a dead voice; one more flat than what he had heard previously, which meant the kid was probably lying.

"Oh? And what would make you assist Konoha with this matter?" Kakahsi asked lightly.

"We are allies, are we not?" The corner of Gaara's mouth quirked up ever so slightly.

Cheeky brat.

"Well, as a Konoha Jounin, it is my judgment that this is impeding more than helping. Drop it, unless you wish for that alliance to get a bit troubled." Kakashi continued in his same lazy tone.

The red-head stood motionless as the sand continued to whirl through the air and bite at any exposed skin. He didn't think that a threat would make the boy back down, it was probably better to attack him with overwhelming force all at once. You don't give jinchuriki a chance to start channeling their beast; not if you valued your life anyway. Still, attacking the son of the Kazekage was going to cause a shit-show no matter how it went down, but leaving the village blind in this area was only asking for trouble. Anything could be hiding in the sandstorm right now and he couldn't just let it go. He'd have to go through a child to do it, but he would.

It wouldn't be the first time.

Kakashi gave an internal sigh and began preparing something to take the boy down when a thought occurred. Naruto had seemed to be friendly with the kid and that was something he could use. Diplomacy had never been his strongest point but he'd seen some great examples of it as of late.

"Gaara-san. Please. Naruto doesn't have many friends, and I'd hate to make you an enemy."

The Suna-nin flinched as if he'd slapped him and then, moments later, the sand in the air began falling to the ground and Kakashi found himself giving a sigh of relief. He had the blood of enough kids on his hands.

"Hatake-san!" A familiar voice called and the forms of the Ino-Shika-Cho team rapidly approached. "Status." The scarred visage of Shikaku ordered.

"Unharmed. Person of interest..." Kakashi hesitated. Gaara wasn't officially a prisoner, though saying he was an ally wasn't accurate either. He was in a grey area of typical field status. Finally he settled on an answer. "Person of interest being a typical Suna ally."

Choza gave a short laugh, but quickly spoke with a somber gravity he didn't often have. "Your kids?"

"Fine, I believe. They were securing the Third's grandson and they were sent out when this all started. A few old friends followed them out." Kakashi answered.

Choza let out a sigh of relief. Old friends was the short hand in Konoha for indicating an identity you couldn't reveal casually; this usually meant ANBU. If the kids ran off with ANBU shadows they likely wouldn't be taken out quietly.

"What happened here?" Shikaku asked.

"The play ended. Orochitama showed-up wearing a top-hat, implied she'd destroy the ninja world, then pointed out Uchiha Itachi and Hoshigaki Kisame in the crowd." Kakshi stated lightly. Not even in a false sense anymore. This just seemed to be his life now.

"Shit."

"Orochitama had a brief altercation with them before threatening them with Konoha."

"What? How'd she manage that?" Inoichi asked, though Kakashi didn't need to answer.

"She made it a lose-lose scenario. They beat her, then we beat them. The only way to win is to not play." Shikaku said, shaking his head. "If the three fled, they likely are too slippery for us to realistically find and take in."

Kakashi spared a glance back at Gaara, who was taking the chance to very specifically not bring attention to himself. Likely waiting to see if any of them said something particularly juicy, as any good ninja that wasn't Naruto would.

"Mostly true." Kakashi acknowledged, "But Jiraiya wasn't here."

The three Jounin perked up. "Then where is Jiraiya?"

To the north, a massive plume of fire rose in the distance, the roar of an intense explosion rattled the glass of the abandoned carnival stalls.

"Right around there, I imagine." Kakashi answered.

xxxxxx

"Jiraiya. Something's off." The toad on his shoulder, Pa, muttered.

"I know." He muttered back.

The fight was off, Orochimaru wasn't fighting right. It was absolutely still Orochimaru, the small flourishes when he used a sword, the way he kept using the terrain, even the way he'd tilt his head ever so slightly when an attack was used differently than he expected was all very Orochimaru, and yet it wasn't.

Orochimaru was making attacks to put Jiraiya off balance, but it was used to gain more distance. He wasn't pushing his advantages for a relentless attack that would slowly pick Jiraiya apart piece by piece. He wasn't even trying to use the female body to his leverage and advantage! It's almost like he was afraid.

That didn't make sense though. The best move would be to try and take Jiraiya out as soon as possible. The longer the fight went on, the more likely it was that other Konoha ninja would show up and make this even more difficult on the Snake Sannin. The only thing that made sense would be-

"She's trying to delay us." He muttered.

Pa and Ma gave a hum of agreement.

That still left questions though. Orochimaru had clearly taken steps to make a perfect distraction against Jiraiya specifically and he wasn't using it. Reports indicated he'd been practicing flirty behavior with others to distract them, so why not now? What was different about this situation?

Though he'd trained himself in preparation of that.

Orochimaru continued to make a fighting retreat, his bright red coat's twin tails flapping in the wind behind him while the top-hat miraculously stayed on his head despite everything. He continued to jump from tree to tree, abruptly changing directions and slithering around tree trunks as he went. Movement that was a pain to track with your eyes, but Jiraiya didn't need to use his eyes.

Sage Mode allowed him to feel the chakra of everything around him, not just it's presence but the feel of it. Like when Orochimaru ducked behind a tree and two of him leapt away on the other side. He didn't need to guess which one was the right one. He could feel the earth chakra in the one on the left. It was a clone, probably a mud one.

"That won't work!" He yelled as he made a huge leap forward, Ma and Pa reading his intentions and snapping out their tongues to help rocket him towards the real Orochimaru. Orochimaru changed directions and jumped towards his clone, avoiding the hit, but he didn't expect the attack to land. His hair, now greatly lengthened turned into a bed of hardened spikes that lashed out at his former teammate's airborne form. Orochimaru wouldn't be able to dodge in midair and he didn't have enough time to pull out a jutsu. If the attack landed, his mass of hair would surround the Snake and impale him in a thousand places.

Instead, the mud clone flung itself in front of the attack, splattering the dark sludge that made up the clone all over his hair.

"Come now Jiraiya, all this hostility and no talk? This isn't like you." Orochimaru called behind him as he ran.

"I think we made our positions clear the last time we met." Jiraiya called back as he again leapt after him.

Orochimaru anticipated the jump though, and a wave of air lashed out at him. Pa let out his own wind blast that cancelled the attack, allowing him to plow forward. In the wrong direction as Orochimaru had, again, changed directions.

He clearly wasn't trying to retreat to specific place.

"Oh come now Jiraiya, that was so long ago! I know I've changed a lot since then." He said with a laughing tone, like he often did when he thought he said something that flew over Jiraiya's head.

The meaning was pretty clear though.

"Just getting a nice pair of knockers isn't enough." Jiraiya retorted.

"Oh that's not all that's changed. I'm a changed woman. Different priorities, methods, and jutsu. I even learned a bit from you and looked into oil release. Managed to make an oil clone even." The snake said as she slapped one of the trees she ran by.

Wait. Oil clone?

Shit!

Jiraiya was already in midair and couldn't redirect as the tree erupted in fire. The flame wasn't particularly hot and seemed to be more a flash of heat that would just give a momentary sting. However, the heat was enough to make the dark liquid in his hair burst into an angry inferno.

"Jiraiya!" Ma and Pa both shouted in surprise. Ma moved quickly and used a wind jutsu to cut the burning area away.

Jiraiya would just have to trust her to handle it, since he instead had to prepare for the form of Orochimaru descending upon him alongside a shower of earth spikes. More than a dozen spikes of earth the length of his arm descend at him alongside Orochimaru's fist.

Jiraiya contorted his body to avoid the spikes, having to bat a few out of the air while he jerked his head to the side to avoid Orochimaru's punch.

He realized too late that it wasn't a punch. Orochimaru continued past him and Jiraiya's right shoulder felt lighter.

He turned to see his former teammate gripping Pa by the throat and pinning him against the tree while a kunai descended toward the old toad's face.

"No!" Jiraiya managed to yell but knew it was too late.

However, before the blade could connect, the old frog disappeared in a puff of smoke. Returned to Mount Myoboku before the kunai could land the attack.

"There. That should make you more mana-" Orochimaru began but Jiraiya wouldn't let him finish.

He'd almost killed Pa, his friend. His teacher. He wasn't going to let that slide. Sage Mode granted many benefits and now that Pa was gone he'd burn through the needed Nature Chakra faster than Ma alone could refill if he was going all out. He would either need to conserve energy or end it quickly.

He came to his conclusion quickly. Orochimaru was trying to delay, best not to let him delay but his previous methods of attack weren't working.

So, he decided to flip the script.

"Ma. Cut the tree!" He ordered.

The toad glanced at him oddly, but followed the order immediately and cut through the trunk of the tree next to him with a wind jutsu. As it fell, Jiraiya leveraged all the strength that Sage Mode allowed and pulled a move out of Tsunade's book.

He swung half a goddamn tree at Orochimaru.

The tree obscured his vision of Orochimaru, and Jiraiya took a moment to get off a quick clone jutsu. The tree swung like the club of an angry god, but before the attack could hit, the traitor's form launched into sky. Kusanagi, Orochimaru's blade, had lengthened to propel it's master up into the sky while the tip stayed planted in the earth. The sharp edge of the weapon cutting through the massive tree like butter as the splintering and cracking of the tree echoed through the forest, leaves and splinters filling the air.

Jiraiya smiled in victory. He wasn't done using other people's tricks yet, and he'd recently read a mission report that was a stroke of genius.

"Jiraiya! Such destruction of Konoha's forest! Sarutobi-sensei will be lecturing you!" Orochimaru yelled from his position up in the sky.

He reached back and pulled out a fuma shuriken, the large throwing star unfolding to be the size of his torso. He hurled it at Orochimaru's airborne form. Then he threw a second.

Orochimaru used the handle to contort himself out of the way of the first, her lithe body twisting her hips and spreading her legs wide to assist with the spin in a move fit for a dancer. However, as the second shuriken went to pass a puff of smoke enveloped it, and Jiraiya's shadow clone smiled viciously as it plunged a kunai at her chest.

As the blade descended Orochimaru's back bent backwards to a far greater degree than a human spine should be capable of. The clone transitioned the stab into a swipe to continue after her though only managed to land a superficial cut before its momentum carried him away from the Snake, who was allowing Kusanagi to shrink and bring him back towards the ground, though as gravity took hold of him, he twisted at the hips and spun himself in a circle. The blade went with him and cut through the clone as he fell, but Jiraiya planned on capitalizing on the opportunity.

"Now's our chance, Jiraiya!" Ma shouted as Jiraiya gave a hum of agreement.

With his hair cut and burned, he lost some of his ability to use his Lion's Mane style techniques, but he had enough to release a barrage of his hair, sharpened into needles, at the airborne form. Ma then sent out an air technique to launch them even faster, though he didn't wait to see the result. He knew the attack would be blocked. Instead, he snapped off a branch from the downed tree as he rushed at his foe. The pale ninja had just begun to land and Jiraiya chucked his improvised weapon like a javelin.

Orochimaru bent backwards and twisted, avoiding the attack, but as he did the sound of ripping fabric rent the air and Orochimaru turned to expose-

Heh. Boobies.

Orochimaru, at the sound of the ripping fabric, jumped into action, launching herself at him and Jiraiya snapped into action, lashing out a foot into the woman's vulnerable stomach, sending her flying away from him before smashing through a tree and into another, blood escaping the woman's mouth as she flew back.

He got her.

The woman stood up, a smile on her face, but panic in her eyes as she lashed out with Kusanagi, the blade swinging in towards his side. Jiraiya moved to block the attack but it stopped short. The pale woman stood there, seeming to strain against her own skin as her body only gave minute shakes of movement.

"Thanks for the assist, Shikaku." Jiraya announced as he followed the shadow extending from Orochimaru over to Konoha's Jounin Commander. The man in question was straining and sweat began to bead his face.

Choza, Inoichi, and Kakashi appeared moments later. Screaming lightning igniting in Kakashi's hand. This was it, the final moments of-

"Alright. Fine. You win." Orochimaru said with a huff and, abruptly, Shikaku stopped straining and almost stumbled. The movement attracting attention of everyone there.

"What?" Jiraya asked dumbly. This was Orochimaru. Orochimaru never surrendered, except mockingly.

"You win. I lost. I was barely keeping ahead of you before you-" the woman pauses for a moment before nodding her head, "Broke my ribs and tore SOMETHING in my digestive track. Add in four of Konoha's finest and I'm definitely not running away, much less winning this fight. You are free to kill me if you so wish, but I imagine I'd be much more use as an intelligence asset. Image all the juicy info you can torture out of me."

Everyone slowly looked to each other briefly. The intelligence potential of Orochimaru was incredibly valuable. Even enough that Jiraiya found himself hesitant to turn it down. If held properly, it's not like he'd manage to get away. Plus weeks of torture on him had a certain appeal too.

"For the record. This is absolutely a trap." Kakashi stated and pointedly did not deactivate the screaming Chidori in his hand.

"Kakashi-kun! You'd think so lowly of me?"

Jiraiya though, had a bit of trouble bringing himself to make decision, in part he was dealing with the warm flush of excitement running through him. He had done it. He had finally beat Orochimaru, no questions asked. He had the better plan and fucking WON. For decades he'd fought Orochimaru and for the first time, he'd actually won. He was bringing Orochimaru to justice.

"Yes, as you decide my fate can I ask for you to do something about my clothing situation. Either cover me up or go ahead and let me take everything off and leave the world the way I came in. Naked and covered in blood."

That snapped Jiraya's attention back to the present and again looked at his rival.

Heh. And she had a lacy black bra. Very-

Jiraiya mentally slapped himself. No time to be distracted yet.

"Your bra is still intact. Your modesty is protected enough." Shikaku stated firmly. "No distracting us."

"But I'm very good at being distracting!" The...creature whined. "Though, I must hand it to you. You caught me by surprise when you didn't get sidetracked there. I expected a classic clothing rip would suitable distract you for one good hit."

An arrogant smile came to Jiraiya's face.

"Honestly, I'm impressed too, Jiraiya-chan." Ma stated, patting him on the head.

Pride flushed into Jiraiya again and he let out a mighty laugh. "Yes! I came prepared. I trained for this moment to focus myself."

"Focus yourself?" The Snake Sannin asked, in confusion before her mouth dropped open and her eyes widened before taking on a teasing lit. "Jiraiya! You didn't!?"

The warm feeling immediately left.

"Alright. That's enough now. Kakashi, kill him."

The surrounding ninja blinked at the sudden change.

"Oh my god you did!" Orochimaru shouted.

"What? What's going on?" Chouza asked, looking between the Sannin.

Maybe it wasn't too late to go Missing-nin?

"To stop himself from getting distracted by anything mildly sexy in a fight he used to make a clone transform themselves to look like the woman and then have the clone flirt with him and flash him until he no longer had an extreme reaction! I thought he stopped!"

"Hey! I hadn't done that since I was a teenager!" Jiraiya yelled back.

"Then how exactly did you 'focus yourself' to resist the distraction of my pendulums swaying?" Orochimaru challenged back.

"I-" Jiraiya began as his mind scrambled and he discarded his first thought of an alternate answer since it wasn't much better. Finally he landed on an answer. "Meditated."

The clearing went quiet.

"You took a really long time to come up with that." Orochimaru stated smugly.

"Oh come on. You're the one who-" Jiraya started before, quite suddenly, Orochimaru disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

All of the ninjas present stood up straighter and again readied themselves for combat. Jiraiya used Sage Mode to send his senses out to find any trace of the Snake.

"What happened? She just disappeared!" Chouza asked as he gripped his staff.

"Do you sense her Jiraiya?" Shikaku asked.

"No." Jiraiya said and he realized, quite suddenly, what Orochimaru had been delaying for. "He must have already set up his snakes to reverse summon him. From the beginning this was just to distract us until his summons could pull him out." Jiraiya snarled.

"Fuck." Shikaku groaned, slapping a hand to his head.

They had been so close!

"For the record." Kakashi spoke up as he pulled out his book, "I totally called it."

xxxxxx

With a puff of smoke I arrived in the realm of my summons. I fell to a knee and held back on coughing up more blood. Jiraiya's attack was unexpected and I hadn't prepared any defenses for it. I was very hurt.

I began to work medical chakra into myself to fix some of the damage before looking up at the towering form of Manda.

"Manda. I believe I said to summon me in thirty minutes, you fucking asshole!" I yelled.

"Oh? Was that more than thirty minutes?" Manda asked smugly. "Perhaps you are so weak as to need-"

Kusanagi shot forward and stabbed Manda in the gut. The snake flinched back and gave a mighty cry of pain that shook the ground.

"You dare!?" Manda hissed.

"Yes." I stated firmly. "I almost just died because of you. Let me make something clear." I flashed through hand-signs and the ground below Manda turned into a miry swamp, sinking the giant snake into the muck.

"I don't suffer traitors. If you want out, say it and I will cancel our contract right now. I will leave you to do as you wish. However," I slash with Kusanagi again, and one of the horn-like protrusions on top of Manda's head is removed with a spurt of blood, "this backstabbing and subtly undercutting my plans will stop, or I will kill you and make sure the snakes have a more suitable leader. Is that fucking understood?"

Manda shook in some combination of pain and rage, or the poison might have been causing it too. It wasn't potent enough to kill something of Manda's size, but he would not be feeling well for the next few days.

"I...understand." The snake hissed out with reluctance.

I didn't like dealing like this. Mutual benefit worked much better, but the Snake Boss wasn't giving me much choice. I stumbled away and went to find somewhere to sit down for a while. Despite the hiccup with Manda, that actually went surprisingly well.

"Well. Phase one complete." Now I just needed to usurp a village and set up a wedding.