A Numb Life

Chen Guihua’s father was always laughed at for not having a son. It was only when Chen Guihua had good grades, and there was hope for her to get into university that he finally thought he could stand up proud. In the end, she failed several times in a row. He was now the joke of the village. He was so angry that he gave Chen Guihua a tight slap, saying she was insensible and never considered her parents’ situation. She could not see herself clearly.

Chen Guihua was slapped in front of the teacher in the office. She looked at her anxious parents and felt the teacher’s gaze on her. At that moment, she felt very uncomfortable and could not bear it. It was as if her soul had left her body again. She stood there in a daze, not knowing how to respond.

In the end, she left the school. However, she still had goals to realize her dream and go to places she had never been to change her life. She had always thought she was determined, but when she revised and wrote the papers, she would also think of her parents’ pain and the ridicule of the villagers.

As the exam approached, Chen Guihua fell sick. She dragged her sick body to the examination hall and answered the test paper with a blurred consciousness. She vaguely remembered returning to the village and walking back and forth between the entrance and the end of the village. She did not know what she wanted to do, nor did she know what she was doing. She walked around in circles as if she would never be able to get out.

Chen Guihua felt like she was sick.

She answered the questions in a daze, but there was always a lot of noise in her ears. One moment, her parents said that her heart was higher than the sky. The next moment, the villagers were sneering at her.

Chen Guihua did not understand. She only wanted to fulfill her dream and prove that a woman’s fate was not fixed to just getting married and having children. Why did they have to laugh at her? She tried her best to ignore them and walked forward alone, but she quickly realized that she seemed to be walking slower and slower.

Chen Guihua’s consciousness slowly became chaotic. Her pen was still writing the answer, but her brain could no longer think accurately. She had written the word ‘life’ at the end of her essay. She did not know what her life was, nor why she even wrote that word.

As expected, she still did not pass the test this time.

The villagers were already used to it, as were Chen Guihua’s parents. Even Chen Guihua herself seemed to be used to it. After spending all the money she had saved, she had to find a job and continue earning money before studying.

She crouched by the side of the road, watching the sun go down. The day was over, and it was as if nothing had changed.

When Shi Qiang came out of the repair shop to see her there, he said to her, “Yo, golden phoenix, why aren’t you going back to study today?”

Chen Guihua looked at him smoking with a mocking expression. It seemed like it had only been yesterday when he first mocked her. It seemed her life had not changed at all.

Chen Guihua stood up and walked back. For the first time, she began to doubt whether or not people really needed dreams.

Chen Guihua returned home and sat for a long time. In the end, she lit all her books. She began to work from sunrise to sunset, just like the rest of her peers in the village.

Chen Guihua’s parents were happy to find that their daughter had finally become normal. They patted her shoulders and kept saying, “Alright. Once you’re stable, we’ll arrange a blind date for you. I’m sure we can find you a good man.”

When Chen Guihua heard this, she laughed loudly, but her heart was filled with sorrow.

At the age of twenty-five, Chen Guihua got married through a blind date. Her husband was a man from a neighboring village. He was not very educated and worked as a carpenter. When she got married, all the young people in the village told her enviously that she had married the right person.

Chen Guihua also smiled and agreed.

They even talked about the past. “If you think about it now, you were stupid back then for insisting on going to college. If you had given up earlier, you’d probably have children by now. Since your family doesn’t have a son, you have to quickly give birth to one. That would be the greatest guarantee.”

“Exactly.” The others laughed.

Chen Guihua saw them laughing and also laughed, looking very happy.

It was snowing outside the window, and a thick layer of snow had accumulated overnight.

When Chen Guihua sent them off, she suddenly thought of her past self. There was a night when she squatted in the lively summer and sat there for the entire night. She had cried and laughed. She wished she could die in that summer and that endless night. However, that memory seemed so far away. It was like it had happened in her previous life.

She stood there quietly like a soulless person. In the dead of the night, she finally became a bound version of herself. She was already numb.

The movie ended with her lonely gaze.